Indy vs. Harry

This weekend my mom had a problem.

"Mo, I don't know what I'm going to do. ABC family is having Harry Potter weekend and SyFy is having an Indiana Jones marathon."

"Mom, that's like Sophie's Choice."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

Oh Mom... choose... but choose wisely. While the true choice with bring you eternal joy, the false one will take it from you...

I come from a family of nerds... and I love it.

Sense and Sensibility

"I watched my Netflix movie."

"What was it?"

"Oh.... it was like that one I liked last week, but different. Oh shoot..."

"Pride and Prejudice was last week."

"Oh! Sense and Sensibility! That's it."

"And?"

"Mo, it had so many Harry Potter people in it! It had that lady who plays the mean professor in the pink and Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman... Snape. It was made before Harry Potter, in 1995, but you are right - everyone is in Harry Potter."

"Well, all English actors are in Harry Potter."

"It was great. Didn't Jane Austen write both of them? That must be why I like them. And all my favorite people are in them."

NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: Make a movie with a Harry Potter actor in it, and my mom will love it. GUARANTEED*

*that is, of course, unless your film includes harsh language, graphic sex, amoral characters, or an unhappy ending.

Pride & Prejudice

"I watched my Netflix movie."

"Oh, what was it?"

"Pride and Prejudice."

"And?"

"I liked it. At least he got most of his daughters married off. Even if one of them was a jackass*. I was telling grandma about it and when I told her Donald Sutherland was in it she said, 'He's old!' Your grandma is hilarious."

"I love her so much."

"And who was the actor who played Mr. Darcy?"

"I forget his name."

"He had a way about him. I guess I'm just a sucker for blue eyes."

"Oh really, mother?"

*My mom probably used the word "jerk," but I can't be sure. She also may have said that Keira Knightley is too skinny, but I was really tired.

Marley & Me

"You were wrong about Marley & Me, Mo. It didn't make me want a puppy."

"It didn't? I assumed it would. I haven't actually seen it; I was guessing."

"It was sad and the dog was a handful. I think I like Owen Wilson, but he always looks like his nose is broken."

"That's probably because it has been. It's his face."

"Oh. And Jennifer Aniston was okay. Normally I'm not a fan, but she was okay."

"Well that's good I guess."

"It was sad."

"Yeah, I kind of figured."

Water for Elephants {SPOILERS}

"Mo, you were right about Water for Elephants. It as good, but there was something about Reese that was off."

"Yeah, she had no chemistry with RPattz."

"Yeah, and in the book, they make it clear that August is truly insane, but in the movie he just comes off as sadistic. And I missed the nursing home scenes. I guess it would have made it longer."

"I agree, mom. It was good but not as good as the book, but that's always the way it is."

"Yeah, it's kind of shame. It was good. Didn't you just love Rosie?"

"It made me want a pet elephant. The thing with the lemonade? Brilliant."

"Yeah and she was a lush! Who understands Polish."

"I'm glad you liked it, Mom. Happy Mothers' Day!"

"Thanks, Moey."

Atlas Shrugged

"Mo, Sally* asked me to go see a movie with her on Friday."

"What movie?"

"Atlas or Alice Shrugged? Is that right?"

"Oh, Atlas Shrugged. I didn't know that was out yet."

"So it's 'Alice' like a woman's name?"

"No, it's 'Atlas' like a book of maps."

"And 'shrugged'?"

"Like 'I shrug my shoulders, but I already did it, so it's past tense.'"

"Well, that doesn't make any sense."

"Mom, it's an Ayn Rand book, I don't think it's supposed to make sense."

"Well I'll let you know how it is so you can update your blog."

"Thanks, mom."

I love that my mom likes to be blogged about. I also love that I have a cool mom that sees weird independent movies. That's, like, 2 independent movies she's seen in the theater in less than a month (Atlas Shrugged, Jane Eyre). I love how it's only after I've moved 2000 miles away that she goes to movies more often and more obscure than she ever would before. She has fallen in love with British series on BBC America and she's been reading Entertainment Weekly and referring to it in conversation with me (She has a life-long subscription to EW and Rolling Stone that I will never understand. They just started coming in her name to the house 6 years ago and haven't stopped since). My mom is way more with-it than I ever realized or give her credit for.

So, then she saw the movie:

"It was good."

"Yeah?"

"Well, it was better than I thought it would be... I'll put it that way."

"Well Mom, that's good, right?"

"Yeah and there was a blonde in it that I've seen in something before."

"Who?"

"I don't know her name. I think she was a nurse on a show that was cancelled. maybe on NBC?"

"Maybe it was 'Mercy'?"

"I don't know. She was the nurse with the drinking problem. Was that on 'Mercy'?"

"I didn't watch that show because it sucked, but it was probably that."

"Oh, well, yeah. Probably."

A search on imdb.com proves that my mom is right. I'm not sure about the drinking problem, but that 'Mercy' chick was in the movie.

*not her real name.

A Very Special Guest Reviewer

I talked to my grandma on the phone yesterday. This is a very rare thing because with the time difference our schedules tend to be out of sync. She did review a movie...

"Maureen, have you seen the movie In Open Country?"

"No... what's it about?"

"Well, it has someone called T-O-P-H-E-R Grace in it. Is he a big star?"

"I know who that is. He's a kind of known actor."

"Well, it's about people at a work place and who's sleeping with who, who's going to get fired, who's selling more stuff..."

"Did you like it?"

"I was the only one who showed up to watch it. It was okay."

"Grandma, you're VIP. It's like you had your own private movie screening."

"I suppose so. It was just okay, though."

After thinking about this, I realized that my grandma had seen the movie In Good Company starring Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace, and Scarlett Johansson. In all honesty, her review is pretty spot-on.

Secretariat

"I liked that movie."

"Of course you did, Mom. It's about a horse."

"Have you seen it?"

"No."

"Normally I don't think I like Diana Lane, but I liked her in this. The ending was predictable, but I liked it. Mo, when you see this movie, you're the horse and I'm telling you to 'run your race.'"

"Ok, Mom..."

"You'll get it when you see it."

My mom called me a horse today. But I think it was meant as a compliment. Or at least a metaphor... I think...

The Mermaid Chair

"Mo, I really like this book, The Mermaid Chair. Have I read any other books by Sue Monk Kidd? Her writing seems familiar."

"I don't know."

"I think she was grew up in the South because that's the stuff she writes about. I like the way she writes. It's good."

"Oh, I bet she's the author of The Secret Life of Bees."

"I loved that book. And the movie. Are they making this book into a movie?"

"I don't know. Probably."

"It's really great. This woman has to take care of her mother, who is off, I guess and she meets this monk and... It's just really good."

"Well, I'm glad you like it, mom."

"I do. What other books has she written? Can you add them to my queue?"

Jane Eyre

(This entire conversation transpired when I called my mom drunk. I have to call her every night when I get home - regardless of the hour. Needless to say, I woke her up.)

"Hi Mom, I'm home."

"Did you you have fun?(YAAAAWWWNNN) Are you snockered?" (my mom makes up different adjectives for being inebriated.)

"I'm okay. A little tipsy."

"I went to the movies with Sally*. We saw 'Jane Eyre.'"

"Oh, how was it?"

"That Mia Was--watsherface is so skinny."

"Yeah. She's good though. 'Alice in Wonderland' and everything. Mia Wasikowska."

"Yeah it was good. We liked it."

"Of course you did, Mom. It's about British people."

*not her real name

My Mom Reviews the Blog of Her Reviews

So my mom has read this blog. I think a grand total of two times.

"You make me funnier than I really am."

"Mom, you're funny. You really do say this stuff."

"Well, you write it the right way."

Granted, my mom is MY mom, so she thinks pretty much everything I do is great. Except for getting a tattoo, which she was not thrilled about, but liked the actual image. She wasn't happy about me going blonde, but she accepted the fact that I'll return to my natural color in the future. This blog is pretty great. and random. What will my mom watch or read next? I honestly have no idea. But she really likes that "Blue Bloods" show. I'm going to tease her that she's in love with Magnum, P.I. (How does one become a P.I.? I think I would like to be Mo, P.I. Is there a course at the community college?)

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

"You were right about 'Percy Jackson.'"

"I was?"

"It's like a Harry Potter impersonator, but I didn't know that Ina Kateides- What's her name? The "CSI" "Providence" girl?"

"Oh, you mean Melina Kanakaredes?"

"That's it! She's in it."

"I didn't know that."

"It's not terrible, but it's not Harry Potter. I just love my Harry. But it was okay. Tomorrow I'm going to watch that Rambow [Son of Rambow] movie you sent me. Goodnight, honey."

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

"Hi Mom, just calling to say 'goodnight.'"

"I wish it was good night. I'm watching my netflix movie and I wish it was over."

"Oh. What is it?"

"'Money Never Sleeps.' I'm not liking it."

My Mom Loves British People

My mom watched "Red" this past weekend and she really likes Helen Mirren. I'm not sure when this love affair began, and I'm kind of shocked that it happened because Helen Mirren is not in any Harry Potter movies. I think my mom saw "The Queen" and liked it, but I think I remember her raving to me about "Calendar Girls." I think my mom also caught "National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets" on TV a couple weeks ago and was inducted into the House of Mirren.

"Helen Mirren is really cool. She uses machine guns. It was over-the-top, but I think it was supposed to be. I didn't know Morgan Freeman was in it and it was awesome. I liked it."

It was only a few short weeks ago that my mom went to see "The King's Speech." SHE RAVED. "Mo, you need to see this movie. I can't believe you haven't seen it yet. Colin Firth is really good. And Helena Bonham Carter was really good. When she's sitting at the kitchen table? I completely forgot how evil she is to Harry. A lot of Harry Potter people in it, too. Helena plays Beatrice (Mom, it's Bellatrix), oh right, and Dumbledore was in it, and I didn't really realize that it was them at first. Just that they were familiar to me. Why hasn't Colin Firth been in a Harry Potter movie? Anyway, it was really good."

Then I saw the movie.

"Yeah mom, I liked it. I think I liked "Social Network" better, but that's probably a generational thing. Also, you forgot that Wormtail plays Winston Churchill."

"Oh you're right!"

(I talked to her after the Oscars and she was happy. "I watched the whole thing. I'm really glad 'The King's Speech' won. I wish that Colin Firth had made a better speech." I couldn't help but laugh at the irony that the "King" didn't make a decent speech in real life. ha.)

Then I talked to my mom (I have to call her everyday or she won't believe that still have a pulse. Those LA crazies will kill me any day now).

"Mo, I'm watching this Judi Dench thing on PBS, can i call you back in half an hour?"

"Sure, mom."

...30 minutes later...

"Sorry, it was this Masterpiece Theater thing and it was really good. Have you been watching PBS?"

"Not regularly."

"Can you find out when they're going to air 'Downton Abbey' again? I set a series recording for it and it said it was new, but I'm not getting any more recordings. Do you know when it's supposed to be on? Or what channel?"

"Mom, I thought you just said it was on PBS. What am I? TV Guide?"

"I don't know, you know things sometimes. I just really liked it and I can't find it."

"It's called Downton Abbey?"

"Yes, but they're British so they pronounce it 'DONton abbey.'"

Then some really awesome person caught wind of my mom's obsession and let her borrow the DVD set. I'm pretty sure my mom will watch them in a week. "There are only 3 discs, so I'll hopefully get through them pretty quick." I then found out that Maggie Smith is in this TV Series. Guess what? She plays the saucy Professor Minerva McGonagall in, you guessed: Harry Potter!

Hollywood, here's (apparently) the key to getting my mom to like your movies:

1. Be upbeat.

2. Have a defined ending.

3. Cast British actors.

4. Cast actors who have been in any and all Harry Potter movies.

5. Have me work on them.

My mom loves British people. I think it might be because she drinks Earl Grey religiously.

*Author's Note: My mom does not just sit around and watch TV and movies. She has a full time job with a 45 minute commute. She's not a professional movie critic, but she pretty much represents what people generally like. She's really smart and funny and she's been a mom for __ years (it can be measured in decades, but I don't want her to kill me for broadcasting a number). She's practical, awesome, and has a great outlook on life. And she likes movies (and TV and books).

More on "Blue Bloods" & Donnie Wahlberg

Tonight, my mom and I were on our nightly phone call chit chatting about baking cookies, cat behavior, and weather patterns when she seriously says:

"Mo, I better get going. I don't want to miss the beginning of 'Blue Bloods.'"

This is the 21st century and my mom totally knows how to rewind live TV and she no doubt has her DVR set to record "Blue Bloods," but she still "can't miss the beginning." She has the coveted "Start Over" option from Time Warner (I want to know when I am going to get that!!!) and still feels the need to start watching right on time. God love her.

On a side note, everyone still says "tape" or "taping," which I LOVE.

"Mom, I started a blog the other day."

"Oh really? What is it?"

"It's called 'Movie Reviews By My Mom.'"

"You're kidding!"

"You've got fans, mom."

"Well, I'll have to review some more movies for you then."

As if on cue, she then launches into why she likes "Blue Bloods."

"I really like Tom Selleck, but I like that it's a family show. I really like their Sunday dinners and I want that big brick house. I wish my dining room looked like their dining room and I like their kitchen, too. But I know it's just a set. I understand that it's all smoke and mirrors. Aren't you proud of your mom? I learn all sort of things from you."

"Yeah mom."

"I know that it's just a set. I also like that Wahlberg's character. Danny Wahlberg ?"

"Donnie."

"Oh, right. Donnie Wahlberg. There's another one, right?"

"Mark Wahlberg, he was in "The Fighter." And then there's Donnie Wahlberg who was in New Kids on the Block. I think. Am I making that up? No, it was him. New Kids on the Block. I think there's a third one that's not famous. I don't know."

"Well, I like his character, but his hair grows funny. It reminds me of the way these boys' hair grew when I was in 2nd grade. They looked like idiots. I don't know."

So, where is my mom on Friday nights at 10pm? Watching "Blue Bloods." I'm also starting a pool to see how soon it will be before she refers to Will Estes (apparently his character's name is "Jamie Reagan") as a "cute little guy" which is basically mom code for "hottie." I think I'm going to say 2 weeks, but I don't watch the show, so I don't know if they show him with his shirt off a lot. That could change things.

The Time Traveler's Wife, Harry's Law, and Harry Potter

"The Time Traveler's Wife" - My mom listened to the book and then watched the movie.

"I'm not sure if I liked the book. It was confusing with all the time traveling. I think that it's a testament to the director that he was able to make sense of all that and make it understandable. The guy meets himself. It's weird. I'm still not sure whether I liked it."

"Harry's Law" - It's my mom's new favorite show. Huge Kathy Bates fan.

"Mo, have you been watching 'Harry's Law'? Her character just cracks me up. She's this old white lady with a gun who says what she thinks. She's just really cool. Every time she goes into the courtroom I'm like 'ALL RIGHT!'"

"Harry Potter" (1 - 7) - My mom is a potterhead. It's official. She listened to the books and would often tell me that if she was almost to the end of a chapter, she would sit in her car and listen to the last five minutes because she couldn't turn it off. I guess with audiobooks, this is the equivalent to "not being able to put it down" or "a real page-turner."

I was back home last year and next to the TV was the 6-disc set of Harry Potter movies. I was curious whose they were - I asked my mom and she said they were hers. My mom never buys frivolous things like DVDs for herself - she buys that stuff for us for Christmas. She doesn't really have a lot of time to watch movies(despite the fact that I'm devoting an entire blog to her movie-watching). It was shocking that my mother bought them. Then she tells me she ordered them on Amazon.com. I'm even more flabberghasted. My mom buys plenty of stuff on amazon for us for the holidays, but she usually makes one of us help her, so the fact that she went online and ordered herself a DVD set pretty much made me realize that all she needed to become technologically literate was the proper motivation - Harry Potter.

"They're just so good. They're about good conquering evil and the importance of friendship. You care about the characters. You want to know what happens next and you're absorbed into this world. They are rich with detail. I think that the films do the books justice. There are some changes, but I think they were probably made for good reason."

"Mom, you realize that you're kind of a living, breathing version of Mrs. Weasley, right?"

"Oh I don't know. But I can tell you that if someone went after my kids like that Bellatrix did hers, I'd fight her to the death, too."

Let that be a lesson to you all who bear the Dark Mark - my mom will fight you.

WELCOME TO MOVIE REVIEWS BY MY MOM

My mom is awesome. There isn't really much more to say than that. She's 60 or something. She has two subscriptions:

- Simply Audiobooks

- Netflix

She will listen to books on CD in her car on the commute to work and then she'll add the movie to her Netflix queue. She likes to tell me about the books and movies that she listens to/watches. She always assumes that I've read the book and seen the movie.

My mom is a pretty sweet lady. I'm not just saying that because she's my mom. She's also very cut and dry when it comes to her taste in entertainment. She likes good to triumph over evil and all her endings should be happy.

"I don't like ambiguous endings. I like to know what actually happens. And it better be good."

I'm paraphrasing, but this is how she feels about things. She also really likes watching TV. She is always telling me what TV shows I should be watching. Recently, I've been hearing about:

"Off The Map" - "It's like ER in the jungle. They're always running out of medicine and they have to talk to the medicine men in the rain forest and get herbs or whatever to use. It's really interesting. They had to operate on someone without anesthesia because they were robbed. They went scuba diving and some girl got her leg caught and they had to amputate it underwater. It was really interesting."

"Memphis Beat" - "That mustache guy from that 'Earl' show plays a cop in Memphis. He is obsessed with Elvis. It's funny. I didn't like the 'Earl' show, but this one's good. I hope they don't cancel it."

"Blue Bloods" - "I gotta go, Mo. 'Blue Bloods' is coming on. Do you watch that show? I've always liked Tom Selleck and he's really good."

"Fringe" - "Have you been watching 'Fringe'? It's getting confusing with the other universe, but that Peter is a cute little guy. Wasn't he on that show you used to watch? I hope he and real Olivia get together and that Astrid can stop buying Walter groceries. And that Nina Sharpe is no good. I'm telling you, she's no good."

"Southland" - "I really like 'Southland.' You watch that, right? It scares the dickens out of me that you live in LA because I imagine that it is like it is on the show, but I guess you don't live in gang territory. You don't right?"

I think my mom's perspective on things is AMAZING. So, I'm going to blog her reviews of stuff as she tells them to me because I know you'll love it.